I grew up in a Catholic household. My mother was raised Baptist but converted to Catholicism shortly after marrying my father. If the term “Holy Roller” could be applied to Catholics, this would describe my parents. They volunteer at the church, participate in the mass, bring communion to the housebound, and never miss a weekend mass.

In my mid-20s, I came out as an atheist. My family isn’t known for it’s tolerance, so my skepticism and loathing for religion doesn’t go over well at holiday reunions. Usually I’m the butt of jokes (my dad gave me a “I LOVE GOD” yo-yo one Christmas), or the subject of “her soul is going to hell” head shaking.

So, all of this backstory is leading to an exchange that took place not too long ago.

During a visit, my mom sneezed. My eldest daughter (then about three) said, “Excuse me!” only to have my mom correct her. “No, sweetie. Say, ‘God bless you.’” My daughter dutifully repeated it and I felt my spine straighten.

I turned to my mom. “Please don’t teach her to say that. That’s not something I want her to say.”

First, my mom tried to rationalize the teaching, and then she launched into her religious tirade. “Well, what if you’re wrong? You were baptized and your daughters weren’t. So, if you’re wrong, then you’ll be in heaven and your daughters won’t.”

Where to even begin?

I tried to remain level-headed, but the exchange did make me angry. I love my mom dearly, but she is a religious zealot. Which is fine. I just don’t want her beliefs influencing my kid. At the time, I think I made a few snide remarks about a big cocktail party in the sky when we die and then left the room. (Hey, if atheists need a poster child, I’m not it.)

I want my kids to discover religion on their own, through careful research and investigation when they are old enough to make sense of it all. I don’t want it shoved down their throat from birth. But, how do I not cause a rift with my parents in the meantime?

So, if you have religious parents, have their views ever influenced your kids? If so, how did you handle it?

Photo

We are having a secular Easter and pretty much ignored Passover. We “hid” eggs for my nearly two-year-old son, meaning we just scattered them around the living room in obvious places. We didn’t anticipate that the cat would think this was the best thing ever. Smells like food, rolls like a ball! Eggs everywhere. Oh well.

Growing up, my family did the eggs and baskets and never once went to church. However, we sometimes did a Passover seder. I remember loving it, and then as an adult, I decided the whole story was pretty wacky. I mean, God kills thousands of people in that tale. It seems like if he could appear as a pillar of fire and part the Red Sea, well, he might have been able to get the Jews out of Egypt with a little less bloodshed. The whole process was wildly inefficient.

Last night we stumbled across the Charlton Heston Ten Commandments and had to watch. The crowd scenes and the visuals are pretty amazing. The performances are bizarre and stiff, as if everyone is trying to act…Biblical. I could see, though, how metaphors in this story work to guide people. Sure, the whole thing is bloody and primitive, but underneath it all, one basic message is that if you don’t fight what seems to be your obvious destiny, paths will open up to you. If you keep fighting, you’re going to have major, epic problems. That’s the incredibly watered down, secular moral I was able to take away from watching Pharoah’s struggle against God. But apparently in the Bible, it’s God who hardens Pharoah’s heart, which hardly seems sporting. In the movie, of course, it’s a very sexy woman who causes all the trouble for Pharoah, speaking with her “serpent’s tongue” and spurring Ramses to fight the power and prove his manhood. Those women, always making trouble.

Ramses gives a stunning speech in which he explains the ten plagues in the most rational way possible. Look, you get dead frogs and sure, flies come next. What’s the big miracle there? If you’re an atheist or agnostic, the Pharoah is something of a sympathetic character, but he gets beaten down quite badly in the end. Too bad.

Brian Dunning did a podcast on Skeptoid asking, “Did Jewish Slaves Build the Pyramids?” The short answer is no, they didn’t. And the pyramids most likely weren’t even built by slaves. So the basis for this entire tale of Moses has, unsurprisingly, no historical evidence to back it up. Dunning also points out that the story is somewhat insulting to Jews and Egyptians, casting them falsely as victims and oppressors.

I find myself somewhat excited to share the religious meaning of these holidays–and to put them in the context of history–with my son as he gets older. Because my own parents were agnostic, I was brought up viewing the Easter and Passover stories as legends or metaphors, or at the very least not entirely historically accurate. That still didn’t stop the whole Egypt thing from being pretty terrifying. I mean, if you disobey, God will really, seriously kill you, no joke. He’s a badass. Gives one pause, for sure, as I’m sure it is meant to do.

I know this is a big question for secular parents: how do we present these holidays to our kids? For me, age appropriate honesty feels right, but I don’t know how much my son is going to understand, so I’m not sure which details to start with. And he’ll probably get all this from somewhere else anyway and come ask me. “So Easter isn’t just about the bunny?” And then where to begin?

I loved seeing his face when he found all the eggs, though. I didn’t grow up with religion, so for me, this is all holidays have ever been: mornings where special stuff gets left for you! Love it.

Episode 5 Raising Happy Kids:

This Week in Parenting Science
* Wait a second – ARE pregnant women more forgetful?
* Girls are just as good at math as boys
* Gender inequity in raising children

Roundtable discussion – How to raise happy kids?

Interview: Christine Carter, Ph.D. from UC Berkeley’s Greater Good “Half-Full” Blog and author of Raising Happiness: 10 Simple Steps for More Joyful Kids and Happier Parents. Dr. Carter discusses how to raise happy children.

Episode 4 Secular Summer Camp:

This Week in Parenting Science
* Vaccine Court Rules Against Thimerosal-Vaccine Link to Autism
* Giving Flu Shots just to kids Protects Entire Community
* Warning for Soft Slings

Discussion of Camp Inquiry

Interview: Amanda Metskas – Camp Quest; Raising Free-Thinkers. Amanda Metskas and our own Laurie Tarr discuss Camp Quest and Camp Inquiry.

Episode 3 What is Skepticism?:

This Week in Parenting Science
* Effectiveness of 1-2-3 Magic
* Infants Do Not Appear to Learn Words from Educational DVDs
* 27% of Children’s Daily Calories Come From Snacks

Round Table Discussion: What is Skepticism?

Interview: Daniel Loxton of Junior Skeptic. Daniel joins us for a discussion about skepticism.

Episode 2 Pop Culture Science:

This Week in Parenting Science
* Marshmallow Temptations Debunked
* Jenny McCarthy Does Not Recant
* The Added Importance of Reading to English Speaking Kids
* Scientist Parents Have Scientist Children

Interview: John Flansburgh of They Might Be Giants

FAQ: Dr. David Elkind – Maximize Toddler’s Learning Potential

Episode 1 What is Secular Humanism?:

Dale McGowan of the Foundation Beyond Belief helps us kick off our new podcast.

FAQ: Dr. Harriet Hall – Is it too late to get a flu shot?

(P.S. If you have questions for the FAQ – please send them to podcastbeyondbelief at gmail dot com. We’ll pick our favorites to send to the experts for their answers.)

[Via AbsurdIntellectual.com]

Me: Wanna get some bagels at Einstein Brothers’?
Leo: You know, Einstein is dead.
Me: Really? That’s too bad. What happened to him?
Leo: People don’t survive for a very long time.
Me: Oh, I see. You’re saying that he lived a long time ago, and he got old and died.
Leo: That’s why when I’m adult, I’m going to make Happy Planet/Mad Planet/Sad Planet*. On Happy Planet/Mad Planet/Sad Planet people don’t die because they have the perfect conditions for humans to survive.
Nico: But Earth has the perfect conditions for humans to survive, and people still get old and die.
Leo: But on Happy Planet/Mad Planet/Sad Planet people don’t get old.

* Leo invented three planets: one where he sends people he likes, and two others where he banishes the people who are mean to him.

In addition to these resources, Dale has personally been criss-crossing the country to host Parenting Beyond Belief seminars. Handsome Skeptic Husband and I were lucky enough to attend one of these seminars a couple of weeks ago at CFI in Indianapolis, and it was a real treat. Dale is funny and very personable, and obviously very passionate about teaching parents the best practices for nonreligious parenting. His seminar includes topics such as encouraging moral development, promoting ravenous curiosity (I love that phrase!) and encouraging religious literacy. We learned a great deal from Dale that day, and we are grateful to have a plan for how to deal with religious friends and family and how to talk to our kids about religion. We gained a new found understanding of how important it is to make death natural and familiar to our kids. It really was helpful to us, since there really aren’t many places to go to find information and support for parents who want to raise moral, caring children without religion. His plans are now to train seminar leaders across the county in order to offer many more of these seminars.

Can’t wait? Good news! Now Dale has started a YouTube channel for Parenting Beyond Belief. He plans to offer many short, informative videos on nonreligious parenting. The first one is up already, and there’s a schedule for the next seven.  Check out the first video, a short description of what Parenting Beyond Belief is, and how he got started:

George Richard Tiller, MD (August 8, 1941 – May 31, 2009) was a physician from Wichita, Kansas.

Was.

Just terrible news.  I don’t have much to say about it beyond that.  Seems like a piece of news that belongs here.

A recent study showed that children who spend more time in daycare than their non-daycare-attending counterparts tended to act out more by the time they reached kindergarten. (The newscast below says, “went to school,” so I’m assuming that’s kindergarten, but I suppose it could be pre-school.) And apparently, researchers found that the quality of the facility and those who supervise doesn’t matter—it’s the length of time kids spend in daycare that may affect behavior.

What do you think, readers? Have you seen any difference in children you know? Would you attribute the length of time these children spend in a daycare facility or at home to be the primary reason for any major behavioral differences?

By the way, if you can find the text of the study itself, let me know. I did a quick search and came up empty-handed.

Yes, Wal-Mart—every recession-affected person has been there at least once this week, I guarantee you, and we, as a family, are no exception. We were there for, I think, ice cream and diapers, and ended up with a cartful of items that gave us a receipt of $180.00 and looks of bewilderment. Where the hell did all that money go?

In this bewildered state, we didn’t notice the woman barreling toward us, a look of ecstasy on her face, a lightness in her step. She stopped right in front of us, making us stop, and we were in shock at what happened next.

“Oh, sweeeeet baby,” she cooed over our daughter. We smiled that first-time-parent smile.

“Thank you,” I responded. “She’s 15 weeks old.”

“Dear Jesus!” the woman cried out, raising her hand over my precious baby LuLu, closing her eyes, and shaking her hips. I froze. My husband froze. I’m pretty sure my eyes got huge. LuLu just sort of drooled all over her “future president” onesie and smiled. “Protect this baby! Guide her and love her.” She started jumping up and down. “Keep her under your wing…”

And so on.

I won’t bore you with the inane details of this interaction. There wasn’t much I could do, considering I was still thinking $180!? Really? Maybe there are drugs in the air vents they spray on unsuspecting customers that make you become an impulse-driven shopper. We just slowly walked away after the prayer was over and continued on our way.

Looking back, I’m not sure if we did the right thing. For the sake of everyone involved, I suppose what we did was the most efficient way to keep the peace, but I was stunned. Really. What made her think she had the right to just “pray” over my child? Why did I think the responsibility fell on me to keep the peace when she clearly saw nothing wrong with making a spectacle out of my child?

There was no force involved. I could have walked away. I could have yelled. I could have quietly asked her to stop. I could have gotten into a heated debate over whether her god even exists.

But I didn’t. I just smiled after the prayer was over and walked away to the car, mindful that I had ice cream that would melt if I didn’t get it home.

My mind started racing, trying to grasp all the problems inherent in the situation. What made her think she could invade my space? What made her think we wouldn’t mind her praying? What made her think we were Christians? Why is she praying to some god to protect my daughter? Isn’t this god omnipotent already? And omniscient? Petition prayers aren’t going to change His mind. And if this god exists and is omniscient and omnipotent, then we can’t have free will, which means your prayer, along with everything else you do, is totally meaningless. And since life is totally meaningless, but you’re believing in this god to give meaning to your life that otherwise isn’t there, then aren’t just you ending up where you started—meaninglessness? Oh, damn! My ice cream melted!

Sometimes I wonder how often people have stopped and actually thought about and analyzed what they believe in. It’s important to do this because, even though it’s a measure of our integrity to do so, belief causes behavior. From start to finish, sans shallow platitudes and ambiguous terms like “mystery” and “spiritual discernment,” how many people have really thought their faith-based beliefs through? And it’s not that we’ll ever really reach a conclusion, a definitive conclusion that gives us the autonomy and authority to say “case closed” about really big questions—like about the origins of the universe or how Wal-Mart secretly motivates you to spend $180 per trip—but we have to do better than simply accepting what’s been force-fed to us from childhood and not only unthinkingly repeating the process in adulthood, but also thinking it’s what everyone else believes.

Now, juiced-up lady, I get that religion as cultural expression grants social cohesion and identity to various individuals and thus groups of people, that it makes you feel good, but to expect that the person in front of you at Wal-Mart believes in the same god you do, and that you have the authority to interact with their child in some religion-based manner, is sort of arrogant and ignorant simultaneously. And it left me in quite the pickle. Do I engage you in some religious debate? Do I ask you for empirical evidence regarding your deity’s existence? Do I question how you’ve alleviated the age-old contradiction of omniscience and free will? Should I ask you how you find it ethically acceptable to stop random strangers in a Wal-Mart and pray over their kid?

No. I’ll simply ask you—later, in a blog post that you’ll probably never read—to be mindful of your own beliefs, to analyze them, question them, and then to be mindful of others’ beliefs and personal space, that maybe there are people who have not accepted that your god exists, who would not appreciate your prayers, and who have to get home to put their ice cream away before it melts.

Here’s some background for you: Little Skeptic Boy is five, has four wiggly teeth, and wants Hulk Smash Hands for Christmas. He loves science, as do I, so the other day we had a detailed discussion about the big bang. Next year he starts public school kindergarten, but for now he attends one of the highest-rated preschools in the area, that just happens to be at a Lutheran church in the bible belt. Then today we had this conversation:

Little Skeptic Boy: My teacher said it, but she’s wrong!!

Me: Said what, baby?

LSB: She said there was no big bang. She said that God created the universe. But she’s wrong and you’re right!

Me: Uhhhhh…

OK, now let’s not freak out here. Maybe his version of the conversation isn’t exactly what happened. After all he’s only five, and not a reliable witness. Maybe he shouted out that the big bang created the universe, and she replied along the lines of, “Well, the big bang didn’t create the universe, God did.”

Wait, is that any better?

So, it looks like I have three choices. I can take him out of the preschool, which would break his heart. I can do nothing, leave him in the preschool, and deprogram him later. Or I can have a talk with his teacher.

I don’t know, though. What might come out of my mouth?

• “How dare you lie to my child about the basic foundations of physics?”
• “So, are you guys young-earthers? ‘Cause that’s crazy!”
• “Feel free to teach my kid all about the bible, but don’t ever contradict me again.”

Now, if this were public school, I’d be absolutely up in arms. But, this is a private preschool that I chose, and if I’m not happy with it, we can leave. Or we can ignore this and go on. After all, he’s so young he probably won’t remember anything he learns there. Or…

Am I overreacting?