Kids’ Questions about Belief
Nico: Mom, do you believe in God?
me: no.
Nico: Why?
me: Because God does not exist.
Nico: Then why does Grandma believe in God?
me: hmmm…
Whether you believe in God or not, it’s tricky to come up with answers that encourage kids to think it through for themselves. I should have seen that question coming and been better prepared for it (after the discussion at Grandma’s house). Do any of you other rational moms out there have ideas on good ways to explain why family members believe differently?
On a positive note, I’ve found that I was wrong (back in my post about introducing my kids to Jesus) — in fact, the question of belief did come up naturally, without my forcing the issue. (As explained here, 8-year-old Nico started thinking about the existence/non-existence of God after watching a documentary).
I’m a little less thrilled about how the discussion went with my 6-year-old Leo. After Nico asked me whether I believe in God, he asked his dad the same question (and got the same answer), and then he stated he doesn’t believe in God either. After that, he asked the same question of his little six-year-old brother — who hadn’t shown any interest in the question up to that point. Of course little Leo immediately agreed that he doesn’t believe in God either, and then Leo followed it up by explaining that that’s the way it is in our family; we’re a family that doesn’t believe in God.
It was funny because Leo’s statement was almost exactly what I’d been hoping to avoid. I don’t want unbelief to be a question of social pressure or of belonging (as though unbelief were some sort of condition for membership in our family). I’m not too worried, though, because he’s only 6, so there’s plenty of time for a more nuanced discussion as he gets older.
Do any of you have similar experiences or advice/suggestions to share?
ticktock Said,
January 7, 2010 @ 6:04 am
I think you should encourage them to ask Grandma about god. “I don’t think God exists, but your Grandma does and you should talk to her about it.
I haven’t had this discussion with the kids yet, but I imagine that I would point out that we can’t see god, hear god, measure god, nor can we make predictions that would prove his presence, in the way that we can with gravity and magnetism. Talk about how faith is believing what can’t be proven, and that he can have faith too if he wants. I like how Dale McGowan says “you can change your mind a million times about your beliefs, and I’ll love you no matter what”.
It’s also important to follow up with what you do believe in. The scientific method, the awe and wonder of the natural world, being good for goodness sake, helping others who are less fortunate, taking care of our planet, etc. If you use the label of “secular humanism”, then he might feel like a member of something, instead of on the outside of a secret club of believers.
nonplus Said,
January 7, 2010 @ 8:43 am
There is a huge difference between answering why you don’t believe with “because god does not exist” or with “because I do not think god exists”. The first one is an absolutist statement (one which you can’t prove, anyway). It sets up a conflict of whether you or grandma is right AND it directly leads to the thing you’re trying to avoid.
Ever since my daughter started kindergarten she’s been thinking about these things more. On a recent car trip, she took a poll “everyone who believes in god raise your hand” (I didn’t, my wife did, and we explained the difference with the “some people…” line.) She also astutely observed that her best friend doesn’t belief in god “because her parents don’t belief”. I imagine she’ll also note the corollary (that kids believe because their parents do) at some point.
chanson Said,
January 7, 2010 @ 9:38 am
That’s an interesting idea. Most of the time my mixed-belief family avoids discussing belief (in the interest of harmony), and I think I’d be doubly hesitant to start a theological debate with my MiL. But I wonder what would happen if the kids talked to their grandparents (without me there) and we discussed it later. Whether it ends up constructive or a disaster, it would likely be educational…
That’s true, and I’m sure it seems odd (or ironic) that I’d admit to saying something like that in the same post where I’m wondering about how to get them to think for themselves. Keep in mind that I kind of meant it to be an initial, cheeky response that would provoke further questions.
Yet, sitting there on the tramway (where he sprung this question on us), I don’t really have the time to launch into a whole discourse on belief and evidence. And giving the short answer, I feel like I’d be giving him a false impression if I hedge around the existence of the Biblical and other mythological gods he’s heard of, as though I think the jury’s still out on them or something. By the same token, when we’re talking about evolution, I don’t think it’s useful to hedge it with reminders that many people don’t believe in evolution.
But you’ve definitely hit on an interesting point that I’ll have to think about further: when do I need to point out that my conclusions/beliefs/opinions are just my opinion?
For example, my kids love astronomy, and astrology often pops up in their internet searches. Explaining their questions about astrology didn’t entail the slightest hand-wringing on my part because I didn’t feel compelled to hedge it (as none of my relatives are astrology buffs).
I explained that in the past — when people had no electric lights — the stars and constellations were a part of people’s daily lives, and their movements were something strange and mysterious that people naturally wondered about. Plus, the moon appeared to cause the tides, so why shouldn’t the stars also have some sort of pull on our lives? Later, once people understood how gravity works, the tides were explained as were the movements of the stars and planets, and it became clear that there was no reason to believe that some balls of matter out in space affect your destiny.
On some level, I’m not sure the Biblical God deserves any more deference than astrology, but I hesitate because (in our current society, at least) it’s a very important question…
Stacy McKenna Seip Said,
January 7, 2010 @ 10:35 am
My first thought on reading this was also “God doesn’t exist” is not the best answer for educating on this subject, too absolutist and unprovable. Both you and Grandma are working on theories backed up by what you consider a preponderance of evidence.
I don’t think hedging is really required, but much like astrology/gravity, you can explain the evidence that leads to your beliefs, whatever that happens to be, be it entropy, anthropology (cultural basis for myths), lack of correlation between prayer/results, etc. You simply have to explain that “God is the theory that fits best for Grandma based on the evidence she sees in her life, but the evidence in my life points to God doesn’t exist”. That way, neither of you are right or wrong, you’re just both analyzing available data to reach a working theory. That’s what we want our kids to do, right?
Lauren A. Said,
January 7, 2010 @ 5:59 pm
I recommend Dale McGowan’s series “Can You Hear Me Now?” for dealing with this issue. You can find it at: http://parentingbeyondbelief.com/blog/
Rev Matt Said,
January 8, 2010 @ 10:22 am
Thus far I’ve stuck with “I’ve seen no evidence that any god or gods exist”. I’m a big fan of various mythologies (historical and fictional, er hmmm, ones real civilizations once believed in and ones made up by writers as part of their story but that no civilizations ever followed) and my kids will all be able to read all kinds of fantastical tales from a wide variety of perspectives with the understanding that none of them is more demonstrably consistent with the physical world than any other.
I grew up Roman Catholic but never took it any more seriously than Greek mythology, so I’ve no deconversion experience to guide me in educating my kids on the topic of religion. My wife and I are devout non-theists (she hates the term atheist, I don’t particularly care one way or the other, but I suppose I’d call myself a ’soft atheist’ in the context of the current ‘new atheist’ paradigm) and don’t want to dictate our beliefs to our kids but would rather teach them the critical thinking and analysis skills to work out for themselves what makes sense based on their experiences with reality.
GoZombieGo Said,
January 11, 2010 @ 6:44 am
This has been coming up quite a bit with my kids lately (aged 7 & 9), though fortunately not in regards to family members, as family lives far away and we don’t see them on a regular enough basis for them to have time to broach the subject with my kids yet. Instead, they bring it home from school.
I say “fortunately,” because, in my opinion, it is easier to be objective about the ideas of people that aren’t related to us. It’s more difficult for a child to say, “I think Grandma’s wrong” than it is to say, “I think Joey in my music class is wrong,” because, ostensibly, we don’t have as much of a vested interest in Joey’s opinion at this point in time.
That may change as the kids get older and peer pressure sets in hardcore, but I’m hoping I can lay the groundwork before that comes into serious play.
That said, my kids tend to come home with various ideas presented to them by classmates or members of after-school activities. The first time it happened, I didn’t feel as prepared for it as I think I should’ve been, but I tried to handle it as well as I could. My kids had absolutely no framework in which to put the idea of a deity or a Jesus or anything like that, because while I didn’t talk to them specifically about my atheism, I didn’t talk to them about religions, either.
The first conversation went something like:
Son: Mom, do you believe in god?
Me: Erm, where’d you hear that word? (probably not the right response, in retrospect, but I was caught off-guard. Looking back, I must’ve had the same deer-in-the-headlights look my own mom got when I asked “what’s a virgin?” after hearing a Madonna song on the radio back in the day, because that is precisely what SHE said to ME.)
Him: School. Do you?
Me: No, I do not.
Him: So and so does. He says god is real.
Me: Well, what’s god?
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Well, no one does, really. Some people THINK they know, and so they believe. But for me, since we can’t see a god, or hear a god, or touch a god, or anything like that, I do not believe.
Him: Oh.
He dropped it for the moment, but did bring it up again later when I was more prepared to talk about how we examine evidence and decide for ourselves.
So here’s the conclusion I came to with the whole thing:
Though I am atheist, I am not trying to raise atheists. I am trying to raise free-thinkers. I want my kids to be able to reason, not parrot, so I try to take the position of, “Well, what do YOU think about that?”
We’ll talk about how it’s important to look at things closely before forming your own opinion.
The current result of this is that my 7 year old quirks a brow at the idea of a god and says she doesn’t believe in it, and my 9 year old is pretty sure there’s a god, but isn’t sure why he’s sure. Haha. That works for me for the moment.
GoZombieGo Said,
January 11, 2010 @ 6:47 am
PS (though I’ve already written you a novel, my bad) – I do NOT take this approach when it comes to things that I can absolutely back up, like evolution. For those sorts of things, I just say, “Well, So and So can think that if they want, but evolution is real & has the facts to back it up, so we don’t need to form an opinion one way or another on that one – it just is what it is.”