Smile and Nod
First of all I want to announce that I am 5 1/2 months (22 weeks today, Thursday March 26th,2009) pregnant with our first child! It’s a boy, and my belly is getting bigger by the day. My husband has been sweet and wonderful and has decreased his teasing of me to a bare minimum.
As you may know, pregnancy attracts advice. Most of my friends have been fantastic and have only given me the good and welcome sort of advice, meaning, the advice is either based in scientific fact or admittedly anecdotal and offered as something that helped them and I should take or leave as I see fit. The annoying advice has come from acquaintances and strangers.
I understand that when people give advice or say silly things about pregnancy, 99.99% of the time it is coming from a positive place. They are trying to help, connect, wish you well or simply say something kind. The best and most mature thing to do is smile, nod and then change the subject. For the most part, that has been what I’ve done, but if I’m particularly tired, hungry or hormonal it can be a bit difficult.
So far, I’ve been lucky and I only have petty complaints. Here are three:
1) Astrology: When I tell someone my due date they calculate the baby’s astrological sign. So far I’ve been told 4 different signs. I understand that it’s often used as filler conversation because it’s not always easy to think of something to say to someone who’s having their first kid. Also, it’s generally turned into something nice. They never say, “ Oh he’s going to be a Leo, I hate Leo’s. They’re pushy and egotistical. You better keep your brat of a kid away from me!” But do they really think that if I were to have my baby two months earlier it would make him a completely different type of person?
2) Diet: Unless you are my doctor, don’t tell me what to eat! Oh boy, this is the one that makes me mad. I generally don’t take kindly to being told what to do with my body, and that includes what to put in it. My body, my choice. When I’ve been given unsolicited advice about diet, I want to say, “You know, when I got pregnant I made the decision not to consult any doctors or read anything about pre-natal health and nutrition. I decided to entrust my health and the health of my baby to the unsolicited advice from pushy, annoying strangers and acquaintances. So, thank you for the advice and you can rest assured that you saved a baby’s life today.”
Yes, they mean well but it does imply that I haven’t thought about this and I find that slightly insulting. I’m sure I’m being overly sensitive and the most mature thing is to just smile and nod.
3) Morning Sickness: Fortunately, I never got any morning sickness. Some people tell me that is because I was fit and healthy before I got pregnant and because I try to take care of myself now that I am pregnant. As much as I would like to take credit for the relative ease of my pregnancy, I can’t. As far as I can tell, I’m just lucky. From what I’ve read no one really knows exactly what causes morning sickness or why some women get it and some don’t. It would also mean that women who do have morning sickness did something wrong, which they didn’t. Now it’s true that we CAN do things to hurt our pregnancy, like use drugs and alcohol, or things that help, like getting moderate exercise but, difficult as it is to accept, there is a lot about pregnancy that is out of our control. It’s human nature to assign causes for things beyond our control. During pregnancy, the woman’s diet, habits and environment get scrutinized, sometimes with good reason but often not. For example, reaching for things over my head isn’t going to make the umbilical cord wrap around the baby’s neck, eating a lot of nuts isn’t going to make the baby allergic to nuts, and drinking regular and not organic orange juice isn’t going to make me deliver prematurely.
I believe that people are trying to be nice and encouraging when they tell me that I did something to make my pregnancy relatively easy, but it’s not true. If I accept the credit, then I have to accept the blame as well. In any case, I try to just smile and nod and change the subject.
As I look more and more pregnant I’m getting more and more unsolicited advice and I’m getting a little tired of the smile and nod technique. My husband also recommends stopping the conversation by asking them to you email the advice, but I haven’t tried it yet.
Fortunately no one has tried to talk to me about not vaccinating my kids or about how you are killing your child if you don’t breast feed for two years. We’ll see what happens when they do.
I welcome advice and recommendations from readers! Please write in!
Michelle Said,
March 26, 2009 @ 11:41 am
First of all: Congratulations!!!
I am also pregnant, but much earlier than you and with #2 so I have been down that road already. I just found myself smiling and nodding with everything you said (but not in the dismissive way, in the “I know exactly what she means” way). Sounds like you don’t need any advice, you seem to have it well in hand.
Congratulations!
Jen Said,
March 26, 2009 @ 11:59 am
A year ago I gave birth to a surrogate child. While I was pregnant one of the baby’s dads would email or call me nearly daily with some piece of advice, most of it wacko and almost all of it was stuff that he read on the internet. When I was pregnant with my own child I could roll my eyes and ignore the stupid advice. It was a little more complicated when I was pregnant with someone elses child. I sort of felt an obligation to take the advice to heart, even the crazier stuff, even the stuff that contradicted other advice. The “best” advice he sent me was to not jump on a trampoline (because otherwise I would have?) and to wash all my new clothes before wearing them so that they dye would not soak into my skin and affect the baby.
So I guess the point of all this is to say that my advice to you is to not take advice from other people because most of the time those people are kind of out there.
Ashley Said,
March 26, 2009 @ 12:43 pm
Oy! What about the advice about delivery options? I had a waitress lecture me about not getting an epidural under any circumstances. And she worked at my favorite restaurant so I heard this repeatedly. I was going to have a scheduled cesarean due to placenta previa and a transverse baby, so she cut me a LITTLE slack for that!
Timelady Said,
March 26, 2009 @ 1:44 pm
Trust yourself and your instincts. You are the one who willbest know your son.
If you think the advice is bad now, wait till baby arrives:)
And sleep at every opportunity! Seriously, nap when you can, small lad may take some time to settle into his own proper sleep pattern. Sleep deprivation is the hardest thing to overcome.
If friends ask you what you would like as gifts, instead of 10000 grow suits or teddy bears, why not meals, house cleaning vouchers, nappies? Practical gifts are incredible life savers in those nervous first weeks (see also sleep deprivation above;) )
Most of all, enjoy, it all goes so fast…
Sarah Said,
March 26, 2009 @ 4:38 pm
sorreee. It gets worse. Wait til baby is born and then they’ll weigh in again – and sound SO authoritative and sure of themselves. Always pick up baby when he cries. NEVER pick up baby when he cries. NEVER have the baby in the bed. DEFINITELY have the baby in the bed. If you run out of smiles and nods, claim you are following your doctor’s advice. Or wind them up will really wacky strategies. They might get scared and run away….
Pumpkin Said,
March 26, 2009 @ 5:18 pm
Oh gods is there any new mum out there who doesnt relate to this? my standard replies to any unasked for pre or postnatal advice is to
1. look blank and ask “so, is there any evidence base for that?”
2.when I feel people are really being intrusive/insensitive eg lecturing me about drugs, ceasarian with no knowlege of my opinions, medical history etc I have asked them very politely “tell me, do you base your life around advice recived from wellmeaning strangers in cafes/buses/etc?” most people look stunned for a second and then seem to get the point.
I am sure this is rude? but it felt better than biting back irritation and smiling to every nutter with a theory of how you should parent/give birth/etc etc. Of course for strangers its easy though I am probably remembered at ‘that prickly pregnant psychopath’ But when its family…
And why when you are pregnant do people need to tell you their or others experiences, especially when bad or somehow heroic? – “ooh, youll be howling in pain dear”, “My cousin had that… and she needed 3 doctors, 200 stitches and they had to pull the baby out with a sink plunger and now she has to pee sideways…”, “well my friend gave birth to breech quads and she didnt need that gas and air…” etc etc
Cant they see its not helpful?
My only advice – remember this feeling and never be tempted to utter any advice unless asked, or daft platitudes ever!
Too Many Links - Not Enough Time « SCIENCE-BASED PARENTING Said,
March 26, 2009 @ 9:09 pm
[...] offer the pregnant Rational Mom blogger Jessie Marion some advice on pregnancy. She’s practically begging for your [...]
Estherar Said,
March 27, 2009 @ 1:43 am
Congratulations Jessie!
I have an important piece of advice, though you probably know this already: Mommyboardz (especially MDC!) may be hazardous to yours and your baby’s health. Sample, if at all, with utmost care.
catgirl Said,
March 27, 2009 @ 6:37 am
Have you started getting advice about baby names yet? That was one of the most annoying things for both of my sisters-in-law, so I tried to avoid it, although I was certainly tempted. If you get any suggestions for really strange names, you should write a post about that!
other side of the river Said,
March 27, 2009 @ 6:48 am
My best comeback to the number of people (women, usually) who wanted to rub my belly was to head them off by saying “only if I can jiggle your triceps!”
Only one woman took me up on it, and we had a good laugh because that was a fair exchange of personal intrusions!
Julie Said,
March 27, 2009 @ 7:44 am
People would also like to authoritatively guess the sex of the baby when I was pregnant. That always cracked me up. If they were right, they would tell me their system. Oh, they could just tell by the way I was carrying. Or they were psychic!
chanson Said,
March 27, 2009 @ 12:17 pm
Congratulations!!!
That’s cool for you that you didn’t have morning sickness. I never really had it myself either, but many of my friends had horrible morning sickness, for no apparent reason. So, as you’ve already said, be happy and consider yourself lucky!
Lorry Said,
March 28, 2009 @ 2:06 am
I had so many people tell me, with so much confidence, with no hesitation, that I’d go into labor early. Like, I wasn’t even done pronouncing the words in my due date and they’re shaking their heads and saying, “naaaaaaaw.” It happened so many times I started to wonder if there really was something to it. How could they all come to this same conclusion? I don’t consider 41 weeks late. It’s pretty normal. But it’s definitely not early, so….
“Yes, they mean well but it does imply that I haven’t thought about this and I find that slightly insulting.”
THANK YOU! I could NOT get my father-in-law to understand this. He’s telling me when to sit down, asking me if I should be lifting that, etc. etc. and I’m saying, “well gosh, I mean, I’ve only been living on my own, without parental intrusion, for a decade before getting married. I couldn’t possibly have any idea how to handle something like being pregnant without YOU telling me!” And it still continues today, because his wrist is the only one that REALLY knows if the bottle is the right temperature. I wonder what he thinks happens for the other hundreds of bottles I make when he’s not around?
Erin Said,
March 28, 2009 @ 1:30 pm
Ah! Congrats! That’s fantastic news!
I’m 21 weeks pregnant with our first child (!), so I can definitely relate to what you’re going through! I’ve been really surprised and shocked at everyone’s constant stream of advice! (And because I’m currently getting a graduate degree in Gender Studies, I can’t help but be reflective about how being a “Pregnant Body” somehow also makes me a public body — with free invitation from all to comment, touch, talk to my growing belly, etc.). It’s a really interesting experience.
I’ve gotten a lot of the horoscope / star sign stuff too! The first time it came up, someone asked what astrological sign our baby would be, and I was so surprised by it I didn’t know what to say. They couldn’t believe I hadn’t looked into it! I thought of all these great comebacks about an hour later, but I was so shell shocked, I really just stood there awkwardly while they ranted on about how their brother was also a Leo (or whatever sign they figured my baby would be) and how he is always xyz, yadda yadda yadda….
The other things I’ve gotten thus far:
1) (From random acquaintances around the university I work at / attend): “OH! You’re pregnant! I just thought you were gaining some weight!” — Geeee, thanks for that. Cause it’s not hard enough to adjust to gaining weight *deliberately* for the first time in my life…. Not to mention the fact that I was small to begin with and have worked REALLY hard to gain the appropriate, recommended amounts / eat healthy / exercise etc. Good to know people just thought I was developing a beer gut for those first few months. Thanks for sharing. (Social filter, anyone?)
2) (From family members, friends, strangers, etc.) “Oh, you’re planning on doing XYZ (insert parenting philosophy, labor choice, etc. here)? That will NEVER work. Trust me, I’m a mom / have already been through that.”
Firstly, the fact that my husband and I pride ourselves on being DELIBERATE and (over) researched in nearly every choice we make SHOULD be a giant red flag to people who know us well. (Come on, we actually have to make a concerted effort to be spontaneous about choices like where to eat dinner because we’re so damn heady about everything else!) But it doesn’t matter. “They” (the advice givers) always seem to assume that we’ve decided on all these choices on a complete lark, and we’re no more committed to them than we would be about our choice of breakfast cereal. The most annoying aspect of this is that despite responding with the numerous books / studies / personal reflections etc. that inform our choices, somehow being pregnant with your *FIRST* child invalidates your ability to make “real” choices. The other party just asserts their superiority / anecdotal “knowledge” as “expertise” — as though they can’t see that their experience and choices may not be Universally Applicable! (IE, “Well, I thought that too, but it didn’t work. Trust me, you’ll see.” etc.)
3) Another annoying aspect of things is the seemingly public exclusion of my husband. When we’re out in public, people don’t address “us” — a couple expecting their first child, they address me and *maybe* give a half smile to my husband at the end, or make some lame gender joke about how he’s going to avoid changing diapers or something. The worst of this has even come from some of our visits to various radiology centres for ultrasounds! The nurses speak directly to me and virtually render my husband invisible — as though he’s an unnecessary extension of the process. In one clinic, a nurse actually tried to seat me in a tiny waiting “closet” (one of those curtained off spaces where people get changed into a gown for Xrays) and my husband had to say, “We won’t both fit in this little space” and the nurse responded with (I kid you not), “Well, you could wait for her outside, or sit on the floor.” We were both like, “Um…we’d like him to be present for the scan, thanks.” It’s really strange — as though people don’t value his part in my pregnancy. He’s found the constant stream of gender jokes equally annoying, since he really wants to construct himself as a 100% equal parent — involved in the emotional nurturing, diaper changing, feeding, etc. It’s almost like society assumes all dads are blubbering idiots who only like playing football with their sons or something.
Ugh.
Look forward to more stories as things progress! Wishing you good health and a smooth pregnancy!
Jodi Said,
March 29, 2009 @ 10:34 am
#1 drove me crazy. Don’t care about astrology, don’t want to know what mythical traits this assigns to my kids. My favorite was when people talk about Geminis: “Oh, every gemini I know is crazy!” Gee, thanks.
It only gets worse, unfortunately. Just wait until the touching starts. People I encountered thought pregnancy was magical. Me, on the other hand, couldn’t wait for it to be over. I had to fake enthusiasm a LOT in those last few months.
Aaron Helton Said,
March 30, 2009 @ 7:39 am
I approached this from the perspective of the highly observant expecting father, and I can remember plenty of unsolicited advice, but fortunately I was never excluded from any of the medical exams, scans and the like.
Others here are right, though. If you think the advice is annoying now, just wait until well-meaning people start telling you what to feed your newborn, how to hold your newborn, and a whole range of other things.
My favorite piece of unsolicited advice came from a waitress in a restaurant (what is it about waitresses?). My oldest son was born in late June, which in Austin, Texas, is not a time anyone would consider remotely cool (temperature-wise). Nevertheless, this waitress insisted that we should cover our son up with a blanket (or rather we should create a tent out of his carrier and a blanket) so he wouldn’t “catch colic.” I politely reminded her that it was almost 100 degress outside (not much of an exaggeration) and that I thought he would be just fine.
Anyway, you can expect a lot more where all that advice is coming from. Well, unless you have a second child. Then it seems to subside.
irisevelyn Said,
March 30, 2009 @ 6:43 pm
Congratulations!
I’ve just started my 18th week and I haven’t gotten much of this yet, but then I don’t really show yet, either.
But, I’m an counterexample to the idea that being healthy and fit before pregnancy keeps morning sickness away, I’ve been really badly nauseous every single day for ten weeks, and I still get sick sometimes, even though I was really healthy and fit before pregnancy. I also try to take good care of me now, but this is kind of hard when you feel really lousy all the time.
However, people keep telling me that morning sickness has something to do with the sex of the child. Of course about half the people say strong morning sickness means it is a boy, the other half is convinced it’s a girl because of this….
Afaik, the only thing that is actually clear about morning sickness is, that it’s a reaction to some pregnancy hormone (hcb??) that some women have for unknown reasons. Women who are pregnant with twins apparently have a higher probability of morning sickness.
Kim J. Said,
March 31, 2009 @ 1:55 pm
My least favorite “advisors” were the women who told me their labor and delivery horror stories (mostly this was when I was 35 weeks and later). I was fortunate enough to have easy, relatively uncomplicated and quick deliveries, but I was subjected to many personal difficult details of other women’s deliveries.
I really don’t know why people were telling me those stories—can you think of a charitable reason? Maybe to prepare me? I would rather not have known…
Kate Said,
March 31, 2009 @ 7:39 pm
“I really don’t know why people were telling me those stories—can you think of a charitable reason? Maybe to prepare me? I would rather not have known…”
4 kids into this journey, I truly think that people share their horror stories, or their Opinions On The Way Things Should Be Done, since they are a little insecure about the choices that they made with their own kids/birthing/pregnancy/breastfeeding/parenting, that if they can convince you to do the same, then it validates the choices that they made, and makes them feel that they did the right thing.
And some people are just idiots, with no idea about thinking before they open their mouths
Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy. I am so glad to hear that you aren’t morning sick, I was sick 24/7 for most of each of my pregnancies, and I don’t blame myself for being sick at all. But it is the pits…
Rebecca Said,
April 1, 2009 @ 1:08 pm
It’s like *I* wrote this post, in fact, I think I did in my own blog when I was pregnant.
I won’t give you any advice on how to handle advice, but sister, I stand with you!
But on the topic of unsolicited comments, I was told constantly that I was having a boy because of the way I “carried”. If I had a boy, I might have had a little irrational inkling that there was something to that. But I had a girl, and I LOVED telling people so when they told me otherwise.
I’m happy to say that I’ve gotten very little unsolicited advice or comments with my one year old, apart from old ladies (why always old ladies?) telling me she should dress more warmly. I didn’t mind this, because I love old ladies (particularly ones with very limited English) and really she probably should dress more warmly.
People very, very often think she’s a boy (probably because we dress her like one, that is, we don’t dress her like she’s the princess of fairy candyland) and that doesn’t bother me either. What bothers me is when they find out otherwise and they get wildly apologetic and embarrassed. What does THAT say? What does it mean that they think it’s a horrible insult to call a girl a boy? Oh, the posts I could post about gender and babies…
Sometimes, after dressing her in something like brown cords and a button-down shirt, my husband and I sigh and say lovingly, “our son is so handsome”. It’s our little joke.