She Works Hard for the Money
In case you’ve been wondering where I’ve been for the last 3 months, I must tell you that I’ve been in my home, caring for my now-almost-10-week-old daughter, Lucidia. Aside from being the most adorable human being on this planet, I’m pretty sure she is also the happiest. She sleeps through the night, smiles all the time, is starting to giggle, and farts like a champ. Yes, she is truly her mother’s daughter.
The Family and Medical Leave Act stipulates that employers must give expecting women (as I was back in 2008) the option of taking up to 12 weeks off (unpaid, of course) in order to care for their newborns.
This means I go back to work next week… and I want to.
The transition from work to home was not an easy one for me. I’ve worked since I was 14. The first week I took off, I was 39 weeks pregnant and sure Lucidia was coming early. She was due on the 13th, so I figured an extra week off before her due date was in order to relax and organize and get done what I wouldn’t be able to do after she was born.
By the second day, I was ready to beg my boss to let me come back to work. I was willing to sit in my office until I went into labor just to have the intellectual stimulation of being in an office with adults who have adult conversations about adult things, like philosophy, contracts, and figuring out what that mass of stuff really is in the company fridge. I simply couldn’t stand daytime TV or the fact that it was too cold (and I was too big) to waddle go anywhere.
By the third week, I was used to being at home. I had adapted fairly well, I thought. The hormones hadn’t killed me or anyone else, and my husband hadn’t filed for divorce yet. I even got used to the notion that my time wasn’t really mine anymore, but rather Lucidia’s. My best friend calls her “Her Majesty,” and she really is. She certainly rules over this house.
Almost twelve weeks (and being completely adapted to home life) later, though, I now have to adapt again to going back to work. Even though I want to work, even though I love what I do (I’m an editor) and where I work, I still have to adapt to the change once more.
I had a dream last night that it was my first day back, and I had to get through a bunch of female protestors with trophy children outside my office building screaming at me, “Don’t hate your baby!” and “Don’t choose your job over your child!” I woke up in a panic. Am I really choosing my job over my child? How could I do such a thing? I chastised myself silently. You’ll probably miss first steps, first words! What if the nanny steals her!? Boy, won’t you feel stupid.
We women are known for being too hard on ourselves, and socio-cultural elements influence how we treat ourselves. Whether we’re choosing to go back to work, to stay home, to have one child (You have no idea how many people have asked me whether I want to have more children), to have seven children, to work part-time, to work night shifts, or to work the streets, once you have a baby, everyone is a pediatrician with a degree in child development, and the advice is ever-flowing.
I commend anyone who stays at home with their child(ren) full-time. But I want to make it clear to the protestors in my dream—who are more than likely straw women my psyche developed as it worked out how it handle this transition while I slept—that women choosing to return to work full-time or part-time after they have a child are not choosing their jobs over their children. If you’re one of these women choosing to go back to work, don’t you dare feel guilty about wanting to work, about wanting to retain some semblance of your former identity as you return to the workforce, about wanting to be productive in this manner.
It takes a village to raise a child, and this whole concept of isolating parents in their homes to solely shoulder the responsibility while caring for a child doesn’t work. It’s difficult for all childcare providers, especially when it’s 24/7. Isolation only compounds the feelings of loneliness, separation, and being unappreciated and undervalued—and this doesn’t benefit anyone.
And what about firsts? First steps? First words? Sure, I may miss the first time my daughter sits up or says “Ma Ma” or writes a dissertation, but this whole linear concept of time and the insane amount of value we put on firsts are illusions. My daughter will say “Ma Ma” many times in her life, and she will roll and sit and crawl and walk and run throughout her whole life. My choice to work is a choice to expose her to other people, to provide income for our family to give us a better standard of living, and (most importantly) to make myself happy. I can only give what I have, and I am a better mother when I am happy.
I am not choosing work over my child; I am choosing work for my child.
We all have to do what we feel is best for our families. For some, it’s staying at home after we have a baby. For others, it’s working outside the home. Sadly, especially in this economy, many people don’t have a choice. For those of us fortunate enough to have a choice and subsequently choosing to work, we don’t have to justify it to anyone, nor should we feel guilty about working outside of the home. We have to make rational choices that benefit our families, and no one can know which decisions to make better than those who have to live with the decisions.
Besides, I’ll always be her mother, and that’s something no one—no nanny, no daycare, no childcare provider, no boss—can ever take away.
Doubting Foo Said,
February 24, 2009 @ 10:46 am
Belated congratulations on the new baby! She’s so cute!
Julie Said,
February 24, 2009 @ 12:21 pm
Congrats!
Nice post. I really feel you on this one. I enjoy working and I believe that women must be financially independent. I was afraid to leave the boy in daycare, but well, he loves it. And the daycare workers have helped me with him. As I mentioned in my post below, he doesn’t like solid food too much, and he’s getting better and better at eating. I attribute his progess to our daycare folks. They are so patient and good with him, and let’s face it, they just know more about babies than me.
Why the pressure for women to raise kids alone? It doesn’t make sense when we benefit so much from help and advice and sharing responsibilities.
What I’d really like to know, and I’m interested in doing a post on this myself (along with about a hundred other posts, so let’s see if I have time) is what the prevailing “studies show” about this issue. My brother–who works full time while his wife stays at home with three kids–is fond of calling choices like mine “evil.” It’s a bit insensitive, but he backs it up with, “Studies have shown…” yada yada yada. Who did these studies? I have a feeling it’s got to be groups that have some kind of agenda for keeping traditional gender roles in place.
But I haven’t looked into it.
Julie Said,
February 24, 2009 @ 12:23 pm
Oh, and so nice to have you back! We have so many posters who are too busy being moms to post!
Kelly Gorski Said,
February 24, 2009 @ 12:35 pm
Good point, Julie. I never even thought there would be studies done on this. I’m not sure it’s possible, though, to measure one’s happiness level, least of all objectively.
Is it “evil” to want to work outside the home? Ugh. I’d like to see a study that shows anything is evil. How does one empirically measure evilness, let alone when a child and his/her mother are involved? Saying moms who work outside of the home are evil is like saying women who have a lot of children are just having them as a means to an end to avoid “actual work.” Both are ridiculous and totally unfounded.
Anonymous Said,
February 24, 2009 @ 3:06 pm
Mom Blogs – Blogs for Moms…
…
Julie Said,
February 25, 2009 @ 12:21 am
I think “evil” is a shorthand way for my brother to say that there is harm caused to kids by daycare and working moms. He and his wife are major SAHM advocates. It’s a big deal to them. And yeah, I think he feels so strongly about it that other choices seem wrong to him, which you know, means we just avoid that topic!
But he does draw on “studies” for arguments like this, but he never, you know, produces any studies that I’ve seen. Another theory he likes to tout is that studies show how harmful divorce is to kids. So I did a little Googling and found some studies that showed it wasn’t that bad. He immediately discounted those, in favor of the ones he vaguely remembered from a college course.
So you see my dilemma. Ah family!
And some background might be that we were daycare kids and had some dicey daycare situations, which is why my husband and I pay through the nose for our place!
Tim Mills Said,
February 25, 2009 @ 2:39 am
Wonderful post – thanks Kelly.
I like your take on this issue. It is relevant, I think, not just for women (who get the most external pressure to stay at home), but for men – who sometimes have strong if unfocussed feelings of guilt that we can’t or don’t do “that kind of nurturing”.
Love takes many forms, and I’m delighted that we are increasingly free to express our love in the most appropriate form for our personalities and circumstances.
stepan Said,
February 25, 2009 @ 5:34 am
I grew up in state-run daycare, pre-school, etc., but so did everyone where I grew up, and I don’t feel like I was harmed by it. Both of my wife’s parents worked, but she’s a very content SAHM (it would drive me nuts but she loves it). I was worried about the lack of peer interaction a SAHM child would get, but our daughter does two types of pre-schools during the week and so gets plenty of that. Yeah, I sometimes envy my wife’s time with the kids, but I feel like I have enough time outside of work to experience them grow up, too.
BTW, I don’t understand the militancy of some of the stay-at-home vs. working mom discourse (as well as AP vs. CIO, nursing vs. formula and other parenting schisms), but pretty much every “advocate” looks to me like someone desperately and defensively trying to resolve their cognative dissonance. It really is not that big of a deal!
Your next to last paragraph hits the nail on the head. The sad part IS that many people do NOT have a choice in these decisions.
Diane Said,
February 25, 2009 @ 6:58 am
I wish it weren’t an either/or proposition. That choosing to work or stay home then drops the chooser into a “camp” that has to defend its choice. Loudly.
Staying home with a baby and/or small children is often mind-numbingly boring. It’s hard to feel like you have much of a brain after a day with small children.
The appeal of going back to “regular” life makes sense to me. Work also gives a person the ability to feel competent again. And, for me, after years of not being employed, finding a reasonable paying job is tough. None of my skills translate to a well-paying job.
Daycare workers may love their jobs, but they’re generally grossly underpaid and have way too many kids to watch. I always felt that the kid/caregiver ration was exactly backwards–you need four adults to one child (in order to maintain sanity and happiness for all)!
I think this is where communal living would be really good–a bunch of adults and a bunch of kids, and no one is “stuck” watching the kids all the time. I would love to hear other people’s solutions, especially since not many of us will choose to live communally. I think it’s clear that the way things stand isn’t particularly satisfying for very many parents, at least while the kids are young.
It’s weird: most people want kids–but our society isn’t set up to help families out at all, not necessarily economically, but socially. How can we bring up our kids without leaving them with overworked, underpaid women (I’m including SAH moms here)?
Psychomama Said,
February 25, 2009 @ 8:31 am
Great post! I had a similar experience when I first went on maternity leave, playing the waiting game and missing work desperately until my little dude wanted to show up. I was convinced he would be early and left work 2 weeks before my due date, and I should have listened to that date because that’s when he arrived!
And I felt both excitement and guilt about going back to work, but I’m now so grateful that I have a job I love as well as an awesome baby whom I adore. I feel like I appreciate my time with him even more now, though I do worry about missing out on some of the firsts you mentioned. I have friends who haven’t returned to work and feel totally fulfilled by that as well. It’s just plain crappy how parents judge each other about these things, you have to do what’s right for your family.
And speaking of studies, I wrote about one on my blog that I found back when I was returning to work, which basically found that the issue is not so much staying at home vs. returning to work, but rather mothers were found to be more sensitive caregivers when their desire matched their situation. In other words, if you want to go back to work and you do, or you want to stay home and you do, you’re in good shape:
http://psychobabbling.net/?p=390
And I totally agree that it takes a village, and this includes dads too. They are not given enough opportunity/support/flexibility in our culture to be as involved with their children as they should be.
molly Said,
February 25, 2009 @ 10:10 am
if it’s evil to work for a living, then why aren’t DUDES evil too? All this BS has to fall on the women? I have negative patience for that, meaning I’m pissed off before the discussion has begun. must…not…slap…someone…
chanson Said,
February 25, 2009 @ 10:47 am
I’m glad that I’m doing professional work that fits my particular skills while my kids are being taught by professional teachers who have expertise in child development. And when my kids were small babies, I’m glad that (at the end of each 8-week maternity leave) I was able to work from home so that I could hold and breastfeed my babies during the day without giving up my job. It required a few years of sacrifice “on the mommy track” so to speak, and my husband was right there on the daddy track with me, since (as a professor) he has flexible hours, but was hardly able to do research when devoting so much time to the kids.
It doesn’t always have to be an either/or proposition. The amount of time and energy that child-rearing takes is dramatically different when we’re talking about taking care of a baby or toddler vs. taking care of kids who are old enough to go to school (and direct some of their own play at home). I wouldn’t lump the two situations together. Cutting back on hours or taking some time off during those few incredibly hectic years when your babies are small isn’t the same thing as deciding to give up your job or career entirely.
catgirl Said,
February 26, 2009 @ 8:28 am
I think it’s really great that you emphasized that either choice is good. I also like it that you can admit that you want to work. My sister-in-law recently had a child, and she is always putting on an act about how she doesn’t want to work but she has to do it. She’s not a very good actress, but I feel bad that she has to pretend to feel guilty about actually enjoying her work. So she ends up feeling guilty about not feeling guilty enough.
Anyway, I know how bad the daytime TV can be. In high school, I got the worst flu ever and had to miss a week of school. The worst part of it wasn’t the sore throat, runny nose, or headache, but the extreme boredom of terrible TV. I just could never get into soap operas or Jerry Springer.
Panne Said,
February 27, 2009 @ 1:02 am
Oh…12 unpaid weeks? Over here we get either 10 months with full pay, or 12 months with 80% pay. And the father gets a few weeks too.
Sharon Said,
March 14, 2009 @ 12:47 pm
Let me clear up a few misconceptions. I’m a more or less sahm (I work 15 hours per week; I’m an engineer by training). My daughter is almost 2, and not only is there no room for daytime tv in our house but I certainly don’t feel understimulated at the end of the day. Quite the contrary, I feel immensely fulfilled. I think children benefit more by being in the care of those who love them unconditionally than by being in the care of so-called experts. I also happen to think that my choice is the best one for children – but only if that’s what the mom truly wants. Ultimately we have to make decisions that most benefit the family as a unit. I can’t really relate to not passionately wanting to stay home with my child, but there would be no benefit to her if I were miserable doing so.
sharon Said,
March 14, 2009 @ 4:26 pm
I’m a sahm to an almost 2 year old (I work 15 hours/week, mostly from home, as a software engineer). There’s no time or place in our house for daytime TV, and I never feel understimulated at the end of the day (even during the year or so that I didn’t work at all). In fact, I feel incredibly emotionally fulfilled (except on the occasional day when I feel spent and exhausted). I also feel quite strongly that what a child needs most is not some kind of childcare “expert”, but someone who loves them unconditionally. This is the environment in which I believe a child really thrives.
Unsurprisingly, I think the stay-at-home option is the most beneficial for a child – but only if the mom wants to stay at home. I’m not sure I get people who don’t feel strongly about raising their own children, but ultimately there is no benefit to a child to stay at home with a mom who’s miserable with her choice. Choices have to be made to benefit the family as a unit.
Kelly Said,
March 14, 2009 @ 7:10 pm
Sharon, I’m curious… what did you mean by this statement?
“I’m not sure I get people who don’t feel strongly about raising their own children…”
sharon Said,
March 14, 2009 @ 8:57 pm
Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to post twice, but my browser crashed and I didn’t think the first one “took”.
Kelly, I guess what I mean is that I feel very strongly about being with my daughter. And because it seems like the most natural thing in the world for me to want, passionately, to be with her all day, and be her primary caregiver, it’s hard for me to imagine not finding those feelings, both in myself and in others.
To be painfully honest, and at the risk of causing some offense, I can’t imagine leaving a very young, say 6 week old baby (as some do) in the care of others and part of me finds it even a little shocking.
I really want to clarify that I’m articulating my feelings here. I don’t seek to impose them on others, and I respect that others feel differently. Thanks for asking.
sharon Said,
March 14, 2009 @ 9:02 pm
Also, I just want to say that it’s nice to converse with a group of moms who have some semblance of a brain. I was on Baby Center the other day and the self-indulgent bragging about their children’s accomplishments, with complete disregard for the feelings of moms who were on the comment thread to try to find a solution to problematic behavior, really irked me. It was only a small minority but it had the effect of ruining the whole experience. And I wasn’t even one of the worried moms.
Jo Mama Said,
March 17, 2009 @ 9:12 am
I am a mother who is absolutely, completely head-over-heels in love with her daughter. I am also an accomplished, dedicated, ambitious employee who is incredibly proud to work for a non-profit dedicated to women’s health issues.
I know the type of person I am; I know what motivates me and I know what I need to be happy. My job is one of those things. So is being a mom. I do not feel the two are exclusive of one another. I think each person has to do what is right for them. The best analogy I have heard on this topic is that it’s similar to the instructions you get on an airplane – “Secure your own oxygen mask first; then secure your child’s.” When you first hear that, your instinct may be to think it sounds odd. Why wouldn’t you take care of the child first? But the fact of it is, if you don’t care of yourself first, you may be unable to help your child at all.
So you figure out what you need to take care of yourself and how to keep yourself a healthy, happy person, and then in turn you are better equipped to provide the help and support your child needs. For me, that happens to be work. For others, it may be something else. But in the end if we each are able to provide our child with a loving, well-adjusted content parent, that should be what matters.