Thoughts on Sleep
We just did some sleep training with our son, and I became a believer in what’s known as the “Cry It Out” (CIO) method. Really, crying is not the object but an unfortunate side effect of babies learning to soothe themselves to sleep. My entire saga of this adventure is up on our family blog. It’s a somewhat long winded post, as I was recovering from a night of very little sleep and was rambling a bit. The next night, Zack went to sleep in mere seconds and stayed asleep. We were amazed.
Naturally, I have had some emotional reactions to this whole adventure. My big, overly ambitious plan for this post was to read every single sleep book I could get my hands on and review them all, determining in the process the absolute best method for baby sleep training and debunking all other methods. But one thing I’ve learned about being a new parent is to scale back ambitions like this, so I’m just going to write about the method we used, our experiences with sleep so far, and what I’ve heard about some other methods for sleep training. Then we’ll see if anyone is still reading this thing, as sleep discussions tend to open up a can of worms on the internet.
Our son is a naturally great sleeper, but he could not sleep without being soothed down. This is normal, according to any school of thought, for the first three or four months of a baby’s life. We swaddled, rocked, and sang to him, and he usually went to sleep pretty quickly. My husband and I also had opposite schedules, so we had a 24-hour baby watch going on in our living room. Our bedroom, meanwhile, was a dedicated, adults only, collapse and sleep soundly space. Zack slept through television, phone conversations, and all ambient living noise, so we just kept his bassinet in the living room. At some point, he became fully dependent upon nursing to sleep and lying next to mommy, and then nothing else would do. He also became exquisitely sensitive to noise, so we had to move him out of the living room. And our soothe and transfer methods also became obsolete, as transferring him to the bassinet or crib after soothing him had only about a 30% success rate. We’d transfer, he’d wake up, we’d start all over. It was exhausting.
Around the time of all these changes, I went back to work, and I was suffering from sleep deprivation. We considered sleep training, but we couldn’t handle it while Zack was so young–only three months old. So we took another route: bed sharing.
Here’s where things get somewhat political. Co-sleeping and bed sharing are major tenets of Attachment Parenting, a termed coined by the pediatrician Dr. William Sears. I have a lot of mixed feelings about Sears, and if I start down that road, this is going to be an even longer post. But for now, let’s just say that I had a bunch of friends who were pregnant all at the same time, and we all tried to read Sears’ The Baby Book, and we all ended up laughing and relegating the book to a dust gathering corner of our shelves. The guy is just so obsessed with bed sharing and slings–pretty much the answer to any question you might have is, “Well, if you’d just wear your baby all day and then sleep with him, you wouldn’t have this trouble.” But I don’t want to get too far off here, so I’ll get to Sears in another post!
My own experience with bed sharing comes from living in Japan for a year, where I taught kindergarten at a fancy pants English immersion school. It’s the norm for moms to sleep with their kids in Japan and for dads to sleep in another room. I spent a lot of time with families with young kids, and I saw this arrangement working well for them. It’s a completely different culture over there, and teaching young kids, you get to see the culture from the ground up; that is, you see early indoctrination into cultural norms and practices. But although I wouldn’t really want to adopt all things Japanese for my own lifestyle, I was always intrigued by bed sharing. It just seemed practical and sort of cozy and nice. Since my husband snores, and my baby wanted to nurse to sleep, and we weren’t ready to sleep train, we took this route. We put a futon on the floor of Zack’s room, and I slept with him there, my husband in our room. We all slept great. I loved having him next to me and waking up with him right there. We followed all the safe co-sleeping guidelines. Things worked very well this way for a while.
And then we ran into our next obstacle: my evenings became a disaster. I would nurse Zack to sleep and either transfer him to his crib or sneak away and leave him on his futon. Either way, he’d wake up in half an hour, and I’d have to repeat the process. And I never felt comfortable leaving him on the futon alone, even though he didn’t move or roll. I would have to rush through anything I wanted to do around the house, until Zack woke up, and then I’d nurse him down again. Sometimes I could transfer, sometimes not. It would go on and on, until finally I went to bed with him.
I read about sleep, and I talked to all my friends with new babies, and I spoke to my brother, whose wife sleeps with their three kids, the oldest one being seven. “Don’t do it,” he urged me. The arrangement is the source of much contention in their house. “Have the kind of marriage that’s an inspiration to your kids. A little crying is not going to hurt them. Sleep training is good.”
Our initial experience with CIO was horrible, but it was in a moment of frustration, where we decided to leave Zack for a bit and see if he could deal with it. We lasted ten minutes, and when we picked him up, he vomited. Uncool. Then we spoke to our pediatrician, who advised us to wait until he was six months old. At that point, I started again and experienced more success. And I could tell, in that way you know your kids, that Zack was crying out of frustration, not actual distress, while he learned a new skill.
Then a round of viruses and a week of holiday travel caused yet another delay. Also, my husband did not read the book I chose, The Sleep Easy Solution. I told him we should do “checkins,” which means you go halfway into the baby’s room and offer reassurance without apology, do your best to sound encouraging, and then leave without touching him. Since I did not clearly explain all this, my husband went into the room, apologized profusely, picked Zack up, and began to rock him. It was over at that point. I do most of the parenting books reading, but I insisted my husband read this book.
So at seven months, we began in earnest, and after so much delay, the entire affair only took one night. It was a hell of a night, but then we knew Zack could get to sleep on his own. Now we’re weaning him off night feedings.
The whole breast milk immunity thing seems to have skipped our house, and we just dealt with yet another invasion of a daycare virus. Zack and my husband were running high fevers this weekend. Because Zack has gotten croup, we were too anxious to let him sleep alone. He ended up back with me for two nights. I know this is a mixed message, but according to our doctor, a break in routine is okay, as long as the routine is established again quickly. It seems to be true. Zack’s not entirely happy to go back in the crib, but he does go to sleep without too much of a fuss.
CIO sounds so mean, but really, there wasn’t too much C in the process. Our baby learned to get to sleep pretty easily. But I guess I’m never entirely satisfied that I’ve done the right thing. And spending a lot of time on the internet doesn’t always alleviate that sneaking suspicion that I haven’t. I just found this little video of The Sears Method of sleep training. This isn’t William Sears, but his son, Bob Sears. The Sears are sort of a pediatric dynasty. Anyway, the video was fairly convincing and made me second guess our way of doing things. It looks like this method would take longer but be a little less traumatic to the baby. But really, I don’t feel Zack was traumatized. Perhaps some babies would do better with the Sears method, but since it involves staying in contact with the baby, I have a feeling Zack would have just found it too stimulating, and it would have been a tease: “We’re here–doesn’t it look like we’re going to pick you up?”
I also have heard that Elizabeth Pantley’s The No Cry Sleep Solution works for some. And she recently sent us an email saying if we mentioned her book on our blog, she’d enter us in a contest to get a free copy. I hope I win, because I’m interested in her book. I hear she deals specifically with transitioning from co-sleeping.
I also did not read the granddaddy of them all, Ferber, whose book Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems is the original CIO manual. Basically, I did not read every sleep book out there. Instead, I relied on a recommendation from Baby 411 that came through a friend. And I had heard through the grapevine that the book I used worked well and gave parents peace of mind and babies better sleep.
Being on this side of sleep training, I feel that CIO is great, although probably not for all babies. For Zack, it was a quick process that helped him sleep better and saved my sanity. I now have my evenings back. Since I work part time and take care of him the rest of the time, I think the hours between 7:00 p.m. and 10:00 p.m. are not a lot to ask for, and having them free makes me a calmer, better mom.
Attachment Parenting folks apparently shun CIO and consider it abusive. Reading their views on things certainly gave me pause. But I did find a few good, calming websites right here on our blogroll. First, Estherar on Mainstream Parenting Resources is really all about poking holes in some of the grander Attachment Parenting claims. Her most recent post does it again.
I got a little dizzy considering possible harms of CIO. But I couldn’t find any good evidence that there were harms. Articles that claimed CIO raised cortisol infants, or raised their heart rates, just seemed alarmist. The idea that neglecting a child’s needs leads to emotional problems seems obvious. But letting a child cry for minutes at a time is hardly the equivalent of neglect.
James McKenna, who is a researcher and a huge advocate of bed sharing, wrote a paper called Why babies should never sleep alone. This wasn’t a paper against CIO, but its exploration of co-sleeping as possibly natural according to our biology made me loathe to give it up. Not to mention that I really enjoyed co-sleeping, and it was difficult to give up. James McKenna also has an article in the most recent issue of Mothering, a magazine I only picked up in the checkout stand at Whole Foods in order to write this article. It’s too crunchy a publication overall for me, but the article is very interesting. There is actually a whole special feature on bed sharing and co-sleeping. I tend to agree that if you can deal with having the baby in the bed, it does feel “natural.” When Zack was in bed with me, he always turned toward me, as if soaking up the warmth from my body. He was very still, so I knew he’d never roll under me. And I had a special awareness of his location near me. It felt very correct to have him near me like that, and it facilitated breast feeding.
It just started to make me nuts, is all. Hey, no biggie. Just an angry, resentful mother. That couldn’t be bad for baby!
In the end, I felt that consistent parenting necessitated a small step toward independence for Zack. I agree with the Sleep Easy Solutions folks that putting him down asleep, only to have him wake up, with me not there, was probably confusing and unfair to him. When he gets himself to sleep, he sleeps solidly, for hours at a time. When he drifts into a state of light sleep and wakes to check his surroundings, he can get himself back to sleep. I am won over to the argument that falling asleep is a learned skill, and that it doesn’t come for most babies without a few tears. But once it comes, it’s a skill that lasts a lifetime.
Estherar Said,
January 19, 2009 @ 12:48 pm
I went to have a look at the SleepEasy book at Amazon…it seems to be very similar, if not identical, to what is commonly known as the Ferber method.
I’m no fan of the Searses as you know, but the video about sleep training looked like a very good method as well…if you happen to be beside your baby all night long and can reinforce the sleep associations of you being there. I had to suppress a grin at what Dr. Bob’s father would say about his son being a “baby trainer” (which is what one of the “baby Bs” warns about)!…
Ticktock Said,
January 19, 2009 @ 1:34 pm
I recommend “Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child” by Dr. Weissbluth. He deals with issues of why babies and toddlers have various sleep disorders and problems. His basic advice is to have a strict nap schedule and to put your child to sleep two hours earlier than seems intuitive. His argument is that most sleep issues stem from an overtired baby.
Heather Said,
January 19, 2009 @ 2:37 pm
Hi! I would consider myself an AP parent (I co-sleep and extended nurse) I’d just like to say that although I don’t like the idea of CIO and do not practice it myself I don’t consider what you did as abuse. One night of 10 minutes worth of crying will hardly emotionally damage a child for eternity. It’s when a parent constantly ignores a child’s needs for comfort and reassurance that I think it crosses over.
Stacy McKenna Seip Said,
January 19, 2009 @ 3:46 pm
My story is similar. We had a cosleeper that set up next to our bed, so when the boy woke to nurse in the night, I could just reach over, slide him into our bed, and then nurse/doze, and put him back when done (or not). This was fine when he was only waking twice a night. But I find I suffer from hypervigilance while he’s sleeping with me that prevents me from restful sleep, so when he got older and started insisting that next to me was required, or crying every time he rolled over and saw me, I was getting no rest. At about a year of age he was transferred, out of desperation, down the hall to a crib. The first few nights we’d occasionally hear a few minutes (max!) of crying a couple times a night, but ultimately he wound up sleeping better than he had when right next to us, and I wound up sleeping *period* which was great. Nowadays we’re lucky to get him to rest if anyone’s near him/lying down with him.
So much depends on the individual child and what they need in order to feel relaxed and restful. Some kids need the snuggling, some kids wind up overstimulated.
Julie Said,
January 19, 2009 @ 6:16 pm
Actually, Ticktock, I can’t believe I didn’t mention Weissbluth. I was all about Weissbluth when the boy was super little. I guess I just forgot to bring him up, and it’s funny because one of the things I like about his book is that he doesn’t really push an agenda. He’s just a big advocate of getting enough sleep.
Julie Said,
January 19, 2009 @ 6:17 pm
And Estherar, I think Sleep Easy is just Ferber with new packaging. The women who wrote the book have a big celebrity following, but I think they’ve just put the Ferber stuff into a step by step format.
Helene Said,
January 19, 2009 @ 9:35 pm
I would recommend reading the Ferber book in the newest edition. He put out an edition a year or two ago where he re-explained his method and how he was originally misinterpreted in many ways. He even has formulated his system for co-sleeping families. I am NOT a fan of cry it out and consider myself very attachment parenting (the Sears book was my Bible!) but I got two children in a row who were beyond terrible sleepers. We never did any sleep training with the older one but when the younger one seemed to have the same problems I KNEW what I was in for and that I needed another way.
Ferber himself dislikes the phrase “cry it out” as the parents consistently go in to the child and he/she is never left to “cry it out.” It worked like magic in 3 days for us (our son was 6 months old) and we only had any significant crying the first night and even that was basically for 2 10-minute periods.
Tiki_Idyll Said,
January 20, 2009 @ 8:46 am
Sleep decisions with your babies is always a hard one. My spouse and I are big believers in parents knowing what works for their family and situation best. We co-slept with our oldest until we started getting kicked all night long.
The method which has worked for us is… I forget what it’s called, but it’s where you put them in their room and let them cry for five minutes, then you check on them; cry for ten minutes, then check on them; cry for fifteen minutes, then check on them; and if they aren’t asleep then, holding and comforting them for a little bit, then starting over. It worked really well for us, and our oldest child learned to sleep very well alone. Gotta admit though, there were many nights when we cheated because eldest child was just SO upset. It’s now time to go through that again with youngest child, and I’m hoping it works as well as it has in the past.
WonderingWilla Said,
January 20, 2009 @ 11:52 pm
I know this isn’t fashionable, but the decision about sleep wasn’t a hard one for me *at all*. Sleep deprivation is cruel. A child who hasn’t been sleeping well is miserable during the day and a misery to those he or she encounters. Crying it out to blow off some steam lasts maybe 10 minutes, a sleep deprived day lasts, well, the whole day. I don’t know why some parents are OK with that.
As for the co-sleeping thing, not my cup of tea, but I can certainly see from the original post and friends IRL how it works for others. The few times we’ve done it, either due to a rough night or travel, it was a flippity-floppity mess.
chanson Said,
January 21, 2009 @ 2:14 am
My one cardinal theory about parenting is that what works for one family may be dramatically different than what works for another family. So just because technique X worked marvels for one family, it doesn’t mean that that technique would work marvels for everyone or that everyone else is doing it “wrong”. I think Julie’s post makes it clear that we’re all on the same page about that point here at Rational Moms, but I just want to be sure there’s no confusion abut judging people before I tell my own story.
My family and I essentially went with the co-sleeping option. I say “essentially” because I didn’t bother to read much (if any ) theory on the subject — I just did what worked best and was most convenient for me. Ok, not reading the theory was perhaps arguably wrong, but, seriously, if you sleep with your baby, the idea that you just might unconsciously roll on your baby and smother him/her is so bizarre that I can hardly imagine how anyone would even have come up with such a thing. (Perhaps another subject the Rational Moms could investigate?
)
Anyway, even if I didn’t do much research on the co-sleeping theory, I was glad that the theory was out there as something people are aware of since it helps when dealing with all of the well-meaning people who would tell me that I was doing it all wrong: “your baby won’t learn to sleep on his own, blah, blah, blah…”
I think this whole subject depends quite a bit on the sleeping patterns of the parents. For myself, I’m naturally a bit of a light sleeper — I typically wake up a bit during the night anyway as part of my ordinary sleep — and I don’t seem to need as much sleep as a lot of people. So when a friend of mine was telling me how much more soundly she slept when her baby was in the other room (not waking her up every five minutes ), I was thinking “fine for you, but me, I sleep better if (on some unconscious level ) I can constantly feel that he’s still breathing and respond immediately to any problem instead of lying in my bed alone, wakefully stressing about whether he’s ok.”
And, yes, this leads to a habit of cuddling kids to sleep even when they’re a little older. My two boys (5 and 7 ) can and do fall asleep on their own if they’re really tired, but normal bedtime entails extended cuddling (until they fall asleep and I go get in my own bed with their dad ). Prospective co-sleepers need to be aware of that since some people see it as a drawback. But these are the only two kids I’m planning to have, and I like cuddling them. Someday they’ll be too old for this, and I’ll miss it…
Julie Said,
January 21, 2009 @ 4:01 am
Chanson, I already miss the cuddling. But it was the “extended” part that really kind of wore me out. I think if Zack had been able to get to sleep with a cuddle and nursing, and stay asleep, we would have stuck with co-sleeping for longer. So you’re of course correct that what works for some does not work for others. In my case, I felt I had to give up co-sleeping so he could get himself to sleep. I had to say my goodbyes to co-sleeping. We’re trying to be very consistent now about how he sleeps. And when he gets to sleep on his own, he sleeps longer.
But we’ve also all been sick around here, so today he slept on my lap for two hours. He was having trouble napping because of a cough. And actually he did end up sleeping with me again when he had a high fever, and I feel just as you do–being in the other room stressing out about him will get me absolutely NO sleep. I’d rather be right there with him if he’s sick.
As for the rolling over on the baby thing, I did find some scary stories about that on the internet. Those stories kept me away from co-sleeping at first, even though I could see how quickly Zack fell asleep next to me. I always transfered him to a bassinet. Once we finally did try it, I found out that I would just never roll over on him. We really slept well together.
But my bedtime is not 7:30 is all.
I considered going to get him at the first night waking and then taking him to our futon, but I wondered if this might become another kind of trap for me. But I have to say that I really do miss waking up next to his sweet little face!
Julie Said,
January 21, 2009 @ 4:22 am
Actually, we still cuddle as part of our bedtime ritual, so it’s not totally gone.
Funny but I’m very presently dealing with sleep. Between this comment and my last, I just had to do my 3 a.m. “dream feed.” Part of the Sleep Easy book’s thing is weaning off night feedings. We’ve just about weaned away the midnight feeding. But I still have to set an alarm and then go in and do a 3 a.m. feeding.
aerin Said,
January 23, 2009 @ 7:38 am
I agree with the prior comments that what works for one family may or may not work for another family. And what works for one child/baby may also not work for another family. I am going to share my experience, just as a different perspective, definitely not as the only way to go. I too have heard many people with many strong opinions on this topic.
With that said, we came home from the hospital with newborn twins. They were not preemies (thankfully) but I maintain that it is very difficult to understand exactly what a twin (or more) mom goes through unless you have been there.
We did a version of CIO with our twins, where we made sure that they ate enough during the day and had some awake/play time as well as individual cuddling. We practiced extinguishing – where one of us would go in after 5 minutes, 10 minutes, etc. making sure that the baby wasn’t wet or in a strange position.
It may sound strange, but one of our goals is to have children who can deal with mild frustration and be self-soothing (they are able to go to sleep on their own). I know my sleep was vital during those first six months. It may sound selfish, but without my own sleep, I know I could have found myself becoming bitter and resentful and not being the best mom I could be while my kids were awake during the day. I may have opened up a can of worms here, I just think parents’ sleep is also important for the overall health of the family. IMO, nights of crying and checking may be painful and necessary for some families so that everyone gets some sleep.
Rebecca Said,
January 26, 2009 @ 3:34 pm
My child used to fall asleep quickly and alone, then stay asleep all night. Then came a 1-2 punch of colds and teething, and seems to need a lot of nursing and soothing. Here’s one observation and one question:
Observation: She used to suck her thumb to sleep, and suck it to soothe herself back to sleep when she woke during the night. When she got her two bottom teeth, she stopped sucking her thumb (they must have been hurting her hand). I think she now lacks a physical self-soothing tool, as she doesn’t like pacifiers. Well, no, she doesn’t – she has me, her human binky.
Question: Do you think sleep training is practical during teething? My thought has been that I’ll do what’s necessary while she’s teething to keep her as calm and comfortable as possible, then deal with any new bad sleep habits after she’s restored to full health. But she may be teething for another couple of months! When her crying is from the pain of teeth (or soreness, even when she’s had Tylenol for the pain) is it likely that she will go to sleep on her own?
Julie Said,
January 27, 2009 @ 1:34 am
Rebecca, everything I’ve read says you can’t really do sleep training during teething or illness. In fact, I think opponents of sleep training often say that’s why it’s pointless. Sometimes illnesses, travel, or teething will cause a break in the sleep routine, and then you have to retrain, which means more crying. We found that after an illness, the return to routine wasn’t so bad. But after I fell asleep with the boy one night, because I was exhausted, returning to his newly established crib sleeping was actually very tough. I’m not sure how he knew the difference between those two changes, but he seemed to react differently to them.
Even though your daughter will be teething for months, she is only acutely teething when she is cutting a tooth, as I understand it. But then again, I think teething is just different for different babies. Our son isn’t too fussy about it, so maybe other babies would have a hard time even during non acute teething.
That’s interesting about the teeth. I’m also a human binky. I still nurse our son almost to sleep, and then we do the move to the crib while he’s drowsy but awake. That seems to be the key for us. He has to be really tired to go in the crib, although for naps, we sometimes just can’t get him to that state, so we just put him in there anyway, because he’s so obviously in need of nap (rubbing eyes, cranky). And he works it out for himself.
Kristen Mary Said,
February 3, 2009 @ 9:24 am
This is such a similar story to mine! I loved reading it. I was going through all of the same things except I work full time and we waited until 10 months. We used the SleepEasy Solution and my husband and I read it cover to cover until we were totally confident in what we were doing. We were both dreading the sleep training but our son was in bed with both of us and I woke to nurse him (but was more often just a pacifier…) a number of times per night as well as waking up when he was kicking us in our faces or pulling our hair, LOL. I loved the closeness of sleeping near him and hearing him breathe and smelling him, and I miss it still. But once he started sleeping through the night it was like a whole new life for me and my husband. Our first night was hilarious because we had it all planned out. We didn’t figure on getting any sleep at all. We had movies and junk food all lined up, our sleep station and clock and journal. There was only one time during the whole sleep training that we had to go for a 15 minute check-in. The rest of the time he was always asleep by 12 or 13 minutes at the longest!! I highly recommend this method and I like how the book is written. It is very sensitive to the mixed emotions that people have when sleep training their babies. Great post, thank you!!
Shawna Said,
February 9, 2009 @ 1:25 pm
The answer is different for every family.
We used Ferber’s method when my three month old son was unable to fall asleep anywhere but in my arms. I was exhausted. And it worked but it broke my heart. By the time I had my second, I learned a few little things that made my life easier. 1: co-sleeping through the early breastfeeding days rocks. 2: learning to put a tired but not yet sleeping baby down so that he/she can learn to fall asleep on his/her own is key. 3. changes in our schedule, and away from home rules are different and need to be treated as such.
I also learned that each of my children is simply different than the others. The eldest needed naps right through kindergarten. The second and third suffer from night terrors which have eased off into “bad dreams” but occasionally require reassurance while they settle themselves back to sleep. The fourth slept through the night at six months on her own, no sleep training required.
I subscribe to the thinking that children need more sleep than most are getting, so insisting on naps and putting them down early made it easier for them to fall asleep and stay asleep. And it keeps them more pleasant when they are awake.
One last thought: most parents only want what is best for their children and what is best for their children includes what is best for them. Being a sleep deprived momma might seem noble to some but is it really in the best interest of the child’s mental health and well-being?
Lots to think about. Thanks for your take on it!
To wean or not to wean? Said,
June 15, 2009 @ 5:04 pm
[...] it’s more out of being a softy than based on any kind of philosophical standpoint. I posted here about sleep training. I should recant that whole post. We sucked at sleep training, as it turned out. One more [...]
Wren Said,
June 22, 2009 @ 5:02 pm
We tried the Ferber method (from the summary in Baby 411) and it was working at night, then it started failing with naps. It failed so badly on one nap that it ruined the next nap; our baby girl started screaming bloody murder as I lowered her into the crib. That night I came up with my own sleep training method and worked to make the crib a happy place. I didn’t care whether or not she slept, I used games and singing to switch her from hysterical crying in the crib to happy in the crib. It worked.
That experience made me wonder if parents for whom the Ferber method worked didn’t follow it exactly to the letter; if they followed their baby’s cues to be more lenient or to stop trying after a certain amount of not sleeping.